This idea struck me as I stood in the train station as the couple next to me cheering up on presumably their baby. I stumbled upon this concept of feeling concerned and worried of somebody else's incapability to prepare for the world, or being super proud of their achievement. 

I think I grew up selfish. Or maybe in my defense, I don't think those feelings are relevant to me. I don't have children whose future I should worry about. However, this thought almost gets me sobbing. 

There are many things that I am uncertain about. But I firmly believe that my parents are among those who walked through these emotions. The kind of people who are in the most pain when their kids suffers from the slighthest headache, or the people who celebrate the longest for every new trophy, like, staring at it as if it was the first time it was brought home. 

I remembered vougely when I was in high school, I told my mother the things that I couldn't cope with. We were in the kitchen table. She stayed silent, couldn't think of the come out as if my incapabilities are her fault. From that moment, I am all capable for her. No more whining. 

Another thing I notice is the excitement she showed whenever I called, switching from laying in front of the TV, to straight up sitting with the phone right in front of her nose. 

I remember when she told me that she used to be a smart student but the economic situation made her not continue to school. This story always encouraged me to always try in my academic matters, if I think about it now, she is indeed very smart for a junior high school graduate only . She’s practically a multitalent.

She rejected to put up with what she wants to achieve. Ever since her first daughter born (and that its me ) to this world, she extended her milestones to these kiddos of her. So now whenever I failed, I am not the only one that's crushed, she comes along with me. When this happen, will there be way for me to give up without shreding her too? 

I know for sure this should not be an add- on weight to me, nor does she ever mention about it. But with all the hope, fear, courages, love, sympathy and care that she extends to me, I'm afraid of failing in this world because it feels like I will disappoint her the most.

i am sorry Mom, for the things i have’nt been able to give you.