This idea struck me as I stood in the train station as the couple next to me cheering up on presumably their baby. I stumbled upon this concept of feeling concerned and worried of somebody else's incapability to prepare for the world, or being super proud of their achievement. 

I think I grew up selfish. Or maybe in my defense, I don't think those feelings are relevant to me. I don't have children whose future I should worry about. However, this thought almost gets me sobbing. 

There are many things that I am uncertain about. But I firmly believe that my parents are among those who walked through these emotions. The kind of people who are in the most pain when their kids suffers from the slighthest headache, or the people who celebrate the longest for every new trophy, like, staring at it as if it was the first time it was brought home. 

I remembered vougely when I was in high school, I told my mother the things that I couldn't cope with. We were in the kitchen table. She stayed silent, couldn't think of the come out as if my incapabilities are her fault. From that moment, I am all capable for her. No more whining. 

Another thing I notice is the excitement she showed whenever I called, switching from laying in front of the TV, to straight up sitting with the phone right in front of her nose. 

I remember when she told me that she used to be a smart student but the economic situation made her not continue to school. This story always encouraged me to always try in my academic matters, if I think about it now, she is indeed very smart for a junior high school graduate only . She’s practically a multitalent.

She rejected to put up with what she wants to achieve. Ever since her first daughter born (and that its me ) to this world, she extended her milestones to these kiddos of her. So now whenever I failed, I am not the only one that's crushed, she comes along with me. When this happen, will there be way for me to give up without shreding her too? 

I know for sure this should not be an add- on weight to me, nor does she ever mention about it. But with all the hope, fear, courages, love, sympathy and care that she extends to me, I'm afraid of failing in this world because it feels like I will disappoint her the most.

i am sorry Mom, for the things i have’nt been able to give you.

I sat down on a park bench, basking in the glow of the most stunning sunset I had seen in a while. It was one of those moments when the world just seems to pause, and everything around you comes alive with color. As I sat there, a woman who could have been around my age, suddenly appeared nearby. She didnt say a word but stood there, captivated by the same breathtaking view. For an instant,I couldnt help but wonder what was going through her mind. Was she contemplating, just like I do in these serene moments? Then, as if reading my thoughts, she reached into her bag with determination and pulled out her cellphone. In a swift move, she snapped a photo, immortalizing the scene in front of us. I couldnt help but smile at the thought that she might not stumble upon that picture for another year

I fear forgetting. Its why I take pictures. I cherish them all as tangible extensions of my fragile memories. And I am almost sure that Im not alone in this sentiment. Its poetic, I think, the way we humans cling to mementos like they are lifelines to the past. And if you ever call me a nonsensical sentimental hoarder, I wont even bat an eyelash. It is the course of nature. Even our body keeps the score. Like the scar on my knee from my first-ever bike accident or the scar on my forehead when i fell after the morning assembly ceremony. There are traces of happiness and sorrow that we outburst on our faces, permanently curving the corners of our mouths; visible lines. They are part of a life lived, and I wouldnt have it any other way

since i worked in this company i’ve experience commuting to work everyday by various ways : by car, by bus , by foot , by motorcycle. 

speaking of which, i’ve covered the 6 kms two round trips between home-office and office-home by driving, walking , and sitting on the back of a motorcycle. 

i actually just tried to use Transjakarta in the mid 2022. so far, its the best option among others as its the cheapest by costing me under IDR 10k/ day, the healthiest by encouraging me  to walk at least 2 kms daily to reach the nearest bus stop ; and the most convinient if ( by luck ) i get the seat so i wont feeling sore when breaking through the traffic jams.

The cons, thought : the post-rain traffic on the way home is so insane that we will possibly takes 2 hours for the distance you’d normally cover in 1 hours max. but i guess the street photos ive collected ever since being Tj regular becomes one of my favorite keepsakes.

here some of it :

2022 taught me that chaos and order are two sides of the same medal . It taught me that sadness and love go hand in hand, and that life is easy and complicated at the same time. It taught me that many wishes actually come true, but never in the way we expect, and most often with a catch. It taught me that sun and rain follow each other, even though we might have to wait for years, months and days for rain to stop falling sometimes. It taught me that human are beings lazy and energetic, good and bad, young and old, honest and dishonest, happy and sad, all at the same time, together and lonely.

It taught me that we are forever longing for what we do not have, until we get what we long for. Then we start longing for what we lost when our dreams came true. 

This 2022 screams absurdities to me, and dragged me in like no other. I recognise some relation wherever I go, it follows me like a shadow. 

Months passed by, what started as an escape slowly creeped in and said ‘’lets see what we can do next ? ‘’ everything is tiring, but one must do,no ? Later, the tossing waves calm down. what I thought was a skipwreck turned out to be just crack . The pain wouldnt be for evermore.

“to say goodbye is to die a little” 

I graduated somewhere near August 2019. Then I started to work at the hometown. I didn’t plan anything ahead. I didn’t plan on vacation nor ideal jobs whatsoever. Until the offer to move to another city came in my way. I had nothing to lose for an interview via Ms.Teams, so why should I miss it, right? 

I did it. The result taking long enough to appear on my inbox as i hopelessly distance my self form the crowds. My mom once said to me that she will not bear me from whatever I do, whatever I choose to do, only just not to show the fear nor the tears of being feared. And I fearlessly shake hand with my fear. No, I fake being fearless to shake hand with my fear so that my mom won’t bear me from leaving. Up to here, everything’s clear? 

God has been the best at planning. As far as this 24 years going, I tripped a lot. The following stages of life, I am so aware of competition. For many more years before, never have I  imagined I would live in this city. I could not address this as a sorrow for being so far from home or joy for being able to stay strong and learn and develop. I lived up to trust Him. I have lived up to trust Him. I will live up to trust Him, then.

hi, its you again but from 2022 

you knew i write to you since 2013, as i wrote this i reflect to the old letter and i wanted to write one more. this was supposed to be just you and me, but in the future when you came across this letter, i will be more happy if you decide to archive it

First thing on the list, the pandemic. yezz we need to adress that in the realest way possible. you desperately affected by this in term of work. I mean the whole world experience it but in the different way. what i need to say is that you wasted so much time griefing and hating yourself for your incapabilities and listening to only things you wanted to hear form other since 2021. and when this year rolled around you realized how awesome 2021 was. this is the life lesson. you were obviously wrong

second of all, your happiness. isnt it funny how you were unconciously shaped to compete in life after the graduate seasons? people have more friends than you, some of them being a lover, got a stable job earlier than you, they got enganged earlier than you, they married and having kids. sounds like pain? no. it should not cause you pain. if it does then it doesnt work.

i know you are trying to workin on it. im very proud of you, so here is something to consider if youre feeling like giving up : happiness isnt a pie, when someone else is happy it doesnt cause you to get less pie. it shouldnt make you less happy. you are happy when you are happy. no condition attached

Now its time for life update. this year began with the best thing that ever happen, 3 months working form home. all you can remember is the cycle track, your annoying but lovely brother and smell of the sea. you get to spend the eid in home, meet with your big i mean large family before you get to say goodbye to the town. and when you comeback, you are end up stumble in your days. trying to get a life.

Also i knew you are still, to this day contemplating whether you are making the right path or not

That leads us to the conclusion of this letter. I wish you the best healing and clearing. I wish you the best of luck with whatever later comes. Let me know your progress next time you write. Remember the first letter you wrote, also this one. Remember what you hv been through, where you are from, where you wanna go. And finally take a precious care of yourself, for the sake of both of us

Lots of love,

the 2022 you

Dear Jakarta 

Remember that day? That day started with the unheard voice saturated finely under my feet as i paddled through the bus station looking around. The birds, they are real. The plate number on the front of the cars, they stated your name. The townfolks, they are busy with their coffee, books, luggage, glasses, masks and with something i am unfamiliar.

When i hit the ground, first thing first you are different. You are fast , prioritized , and vibrant. I try to pack the road but you are round, like a circle i meet no end. Like a fast moving cloud, it was sent by the wind. It brings back the sun, brings back hope.

So what am i looking for? you may ask. A love lesson, maybe two. From the building, the workmates, the strangers, the light tower, the train station, the heavy wind, the cold gaze, from everything. The lesson about unrequited love for myself, for the people around me, for life itself. You are the majestic town, more than equipped to teach me so.

You are not the home to return to, yet a home to stay. Until then, i will wander around you, follow the footprints left on the ground by people, recreate my own premises and reject all of others percepts.

When thats the case, will you take me for who i am?

Dear Jakarta, 

Thankyou 

For the most valueable lesson, 

Jan is the moment of beginning, the way 2020 memories played back like it was a movie.

Feb is the moment of celebrating the time of that year again, a birthday. The way things stop in term of work and something i couldnt grasp at first.

March is that time i found something so bright, Allah prepared it so perfectly.

April is a month full of exploration. all new things that I have never done and learn.

May is the time when difficulties start to come and sometimes I become sleepless and dreamy.

June is the month where I still hope (at least) everything is in its place, nothing goes wrong.

in July sometimes my left chest hurts so bad, the way i'm still chasing for an answer.

in August i go home after some time, time at home is the best time.

nightmare at September cause of weather leads to a potential allergy that I've never felt before

October is a month full of flares and heat, but in time its healed

in November my pain exploded into an anger but in the end i give up on my self, thats wasn't me

In December i still feel unattached, but everything is getting better because of acceptance

It's always a cliché to write the epilogue in the end of the year,

but i'll still do it anyway

I will forever remember 2021 as the year of working my finger to the bone

this year i experienced hair loss,

I had acne on my face outside of my period, although usually i'm not

I noticed some wrinkles around my eyes, maybe its because of overtime and days full of intense stares at my laptop,

I will remember 2021 as a year of struggle

I learned a lot and became an adult

I made some new friends, probably lost some of them too

This year i splits smile so wide, my cheeks ached

yet grieved so deeply i couldnt breath

Eventually, things were sweets

time will forever be a mystery,

but I don't mind solving its puzzles again in the future

I thank myself

because I've worked hard

Lets be a better person next year

ps for my futureself: use tonic and anti-aging because aging is damn real