“to say goodbye is to die a little” 

I graduated somewhere near August 2019. Then I started to work at the hometown. I didn’t plan anything ahead. I didn’t plan on vacation nor ideal jobs whatsoever. Until the offer to move to another city came in my way. I had nothing to lose for an interview via Ms.Teams, so why should I miss it, right? 

I did it. The result taking long enough to appear on my inbox as i hopelessly distance my self form the crowds. My mom once said to me that she will not bear me from whatever I do, whatever I choose to do, only just not to show the fear nor the tears of being feared. And I fearlessly shake hand with my fear. No, I fake being fearless to shake hand with my fear so that my mom won’t bear me from leaving. Up to here, everything’s clear? 

God has been the best at planning. As far as this 24 years going, I tripped a lot. The following stages of life, I am so aware of competition. For many more years before, never have I  imagined I would live in this city. I could not address this as a sorrow for being so far from home or joy for being able to stay strong and learn and develop. I lived up to trust Him. I have lived up to trust Him. I will live up to trust Him, then.

hi, its you again but from 2022 

you knew i write to you since 2013, as i wrote this i reflect to the old letter and i wanted to write one more. this was supposed to be just you and me, but in the future when you came across this letter, i will be more happy if you decide to archive it

First thing on the list, the pandemic. yezz we need to adress that in the realest way possible. you desperately affected by this in term of work. I mean the whole world experience it but in the different way. what i need to say is that you wasted so much time griefing and hating yourself for your incapabilities and listening to only things you wanted to hear form other since 2021. and when this year rolled around you realized how awesome 2021 was. this is the life lesson. you were obviously wrong

second of all, your happiness. isnt it funny how you were unconciously shaped to compete in life after the graduate seasons? people have more friends than you, some of them being a lover, got a stable job earlier than you, they got enganged earlier than you, they married and having kids. sounds like pain? no. it should not cause you pain. if it does then it doesnt work.

i know you are trying to workin on it. im very proud of you, so here is something to consider if youre feeling like giving up : happiness isnt a pie, when someone else is happy it doesnt cause you to get less pie. it shouldnt make you less happy. you are happy when you are happy. no condition attached

Now its time for life update. this year began with the best thing that ever happen, 3 months working form home. all you can remember is the cycle track, your annoying but lovely brother and smell of the sea. you get to spend the eid in home, meet with your big i mean large family before you get to say goodbye to the town. and when you comeback, you are end up stumble in your days. trying to get a life.

Also i knew you are still, to this day contemplating whether you are making the right path or not

That leads us to the conclusion of this letter. I wish you the best healing and clearing. I wish you the best of luck with whatever later comes. Let me know your progress next time you write. Remember the first letter you wrote, also this one. Remember what you hv been through, where you are from, where you wanna go. And finally take a precious care of yourself, for the sake of both of us

Lots of love,

the 2022 you

Dear Jakarta 

Remember that day? That day started with the unheard voice saturated finely under my feet as i paddled through the bus station looking around. The birds, they are real. The plate number on the front of the cars, they stated your name. The townfolks, they are busy with their coffee, books, luggage, glasses, masks and with something i am unfamiliar.

When i hit the ground, first thing first you are different. You are fast , prioritized , and vibrant. I try to pack the road but you are round, like a circle i meet no end. Like a fast moving cloud, it was sent by the wind. It brings back the sun, brings back hope.

So what am i looking for? you may ask. A love lesson, maybe two. From the building, the workmates, the strangers, the light tower, the train station, the heavy wind, the cold gaze, from everything. The lesson about unrequited love for myself, for the people around me, for life itself. You are the majestic town, more than equipped to teach me so.

You are not the home to return to, yet a home to stay. Until then, i will wander around you, follow the footprints left on the ground by people, recreate my own premises and reject all of others percepts.

When thats the case, will you take me for who i am?

Dear Jakarta, 

Thankyou 

For the most valueable lesson,